*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that