*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I told my vodka about you.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”