*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
why would tinder want me to say this
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.