*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?