Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings