[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
yes, those are my real potatoes.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*