@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
@Heatinblack [Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@thatdutchperson [about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
@jon_snow_420 it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
@machinegunkelly What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
@sydneyrachel Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
@alfageeek Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
@sixfootcandy (Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
@WilliamAder My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
@Tmoney68 Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
@acony_belle just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”