[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”