Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
You Might Also Like
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.