[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up