(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.