Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
it was love at first sight
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down