*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
yes yes a thousand times yes!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats