But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.