But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?