But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
all that yoga finally paid off
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.