But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.