@LuvPug

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@RitleySammich

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

@ahamedweinberg

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

@maryfairybobrry

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

@seancehat

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

@Proxic0n

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

@GonzoVice

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.