But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“How’s your day going?”
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with