But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t