“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
You Might Also Like
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly