But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
my one true gender
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.