But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*


There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.


Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate


One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!


Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else


I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.


2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.


Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?