Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option