“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
had to make it
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂