But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Don’t take drugs… for granted.