But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
This guy’s not having it 😆
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?