But that’s none of my business
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…