But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Siri: Retweet me.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I laughed at this way too hard.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!