But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?