@IamEnidColeslaw

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

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@kimtopher22

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

@bornmiserable

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

@topaz_kell

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@TYrannosaurus

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

@zachary_lampley

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.