but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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There’s always that one guy
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Meow
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.