but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.


“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”


Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.


I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.


10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s


Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”


Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.


The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.


I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.