“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her