BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
You Might Also Like
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
True
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
buys donuts instead
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.