@RobDenBleyker

Butt weight. There’s more!

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@asimplesean

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@fire2sweet

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

@KeetPotato

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@whatsJo

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@a_simpl_man

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

@noog

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

@DearAuntAbby

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.