Butt weight. There’s more!
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What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend