“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Butt weight. There’s more!
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Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
4: And blue
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.