@TheToddWilliams

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

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@Mom_Overboard

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

@ACartoonCat

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

@joeljeffrey

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

@mattkoff

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

@UncleDuke1969

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

@Dad_At_Law

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@aGreeneyedChic

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

@stacywawa1

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.