[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
how many bears make up a bear minimum
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭