@Mom_Overboard [looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
@TheToddWilliams [butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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@Mom_Overboard 
@ACartoonCat Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
@joeljeffrey They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
@mattkoff “I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
@UncleDuke1969 Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
@Dad_At_Law Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
@ashmensch *entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
@aGreeneyedChic [Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
@stacywawa1 I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
@JJSummertime Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.