[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.


Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end


They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron


“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter


Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.


Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”


*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?


[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?


I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma


Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.