Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.