Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Not😆🤣
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?