BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
You Might Also Like
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Employees must applaud the planets.