Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.