Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson