Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Stop it! 😂
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On