Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
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My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.