[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Beware of fowl play.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
my name if I was in the mob
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework