[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Eat…
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect