[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I came this close!!!!
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Pot warmers of the day.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs