buying dead houseplants to save time
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Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
reviewed some movies recently
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>