[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Candles never taste the way they smell
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.