[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.