Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.