Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you鈥檙e done it already.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Hey kid.. don鈥檛 let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it鈥檚 still today.
7: aww
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Just waved at my neighbor鈥檚 cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Too bad we can鈥檛 get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.