@sinnerland

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

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@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@robdelaney

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

@Cpin42

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

@UncleDuke1969

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

@SaltyMacTavish

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@RocketRankoon

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

@ozzyunc

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.