Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.


If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.


The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.


Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.


Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!


My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”


I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.


“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*


Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.