Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?