Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
what’s the point then??
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’m about to risk it all
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath