*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot