[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.