*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
house sitting!
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.